Shopping With Mel

You approach Tom Cruise. For a moment you consider slipping round your arm to try and twist his head round, breaking his neck. It would be quite easy, you imagine. His neck looks small and weak, like a cat's neck. Before making a decision, however, Tom sees you and turns round.

You greet one another and exchange pleasantries. You explain to Tom why you're here, shopping for yourself, the recent media intrusion into your life. As you do so Tom's eyes dart nervously about the place. You sense he is anxious about being seen out in public with you. You feel you should say goodbye and leave him to continue his browsing of the cereals or possibly quickly strangle him. Instead, however, you decide to push him into further conversation and ask him how things are going at the Church of Scientology.

Although they continue to flit about the store, Tom's eyes light up. He describes, slightly giddily, a number of initiatives the Church is currently implementing -  a community clean-up project in a poor Washington neighborhood, a charity event to raise funds for a village in Laos which was recently flooded, the impending deportation of a number of foreign doctors after the abortion clinic they worked at was successfully closed down. You pretend to listen to all of these - nodding, maintaining eye-contact as best you can, saying 'Uh-huh' and 'Right!' every now and again - whilst secretly you're using your imagination to think about what it would be like to get blown by Tom Cruise's wife, the actress Katie Holmes. You think it would be pretty good. You imagine it happening, this blowjob, in Tom and Katie's bedroom whilst Tom lies on the floor, his neck snapped backwards, his dead, pleading eyes on the pair of you. That would be pretty cool.

Suddenly, you realize Tom has stopped speaking. He is looking at you, waiting for a response. You ask him to repeat himself.

'I said do you want to come to the Church? Right now? The Church of Scientology.'

Do you want to:

go to the Church of Scientology?
continue shopping?